Here We Go Again...

I'm feeling a bit conflicted right now. I finished reading Perks of Being a Wildflower just a little bit ago and I feel like I'm in a little funk, like something isn't right. Someone I follow on tumblr posted the following quote "Don’t think. Don’t fucking think. Because when you think you realize how fucked up everything is. You realize you don’t know how you got where you are, you don’t know where you’re going and you don’t know what to do anymore." Obviously it isn't really true, thinking can be amazing and a liberating experience, but there's a reason I haven't read certain books more than once. Books like The Catcher in the Rye, and up until now, Perks of Being a Wildflower. I start to really identify and empathize with them, and sometimes even think like them. And it's that identification and immersion into the character that makes me think that quotes like the one above may be right. It's not a constant thing, 95% of the time I'm in a great mood and have a generally positive outlook on life. But every once in a while I get to thinking and questioning. Why am I really here? Why do I feel bad when I have nothing to feel bad about? Do people really appreciate or like me as much as they say?...I never had too many truly good friends when I was young. Sure I knew a lot of people in school but I can only think of 3 people who I ever hung out with outside of class. It didn't really bother me then though, I had other things to worry about. But things got worse in 8th grade. Again I had friends in school, but no one I would hang out with afterwards. In fact I remember one occasion where a group of kids I talked too were planning on going to the movies and I found out I was on the "do not invite" list. Of course they gave some BS excuse and I played like I didn't care, but the truth is I did. And I do. Another time I remember being at Disney World for a trip for the dance and theater kids and I was paired w/2 other girls who didn't have roommates and they straight up told me, "it's not that we don't like you, it's just you're kinda weird and can be annoying" and again I played it off like it didn't bother me but that night I had to try really hard not to cry myself to sleep. In HS it was the same story for the first year and a half or so. Then I met the people who I still call my best friends. Then things became different, and I actually had plans to hang out with people after school, and my mom would call and see what I was up to and I could say I was with my friends. I truly am blessed that I have these people in my life, and I hope they never forget that. All that being said, it's still hard for me to not wonder if sometimes people just want me to leave them alone. I talk a lot and ask questions and try to interact with people often because that way I get instant gratification that they want to talk to me not that they feel like they have to. Yea I'm that person that tends to seek people's approval, but not for attention, just so I know I'm actually wanted. In retrospect, this whole thing is silly and I know good and well that I have amazing friends and family who love and support me in everything I do. It's just that every once in a while, that other 5% of the time, I just get in this rut and I can't figure out the fastest way out. Usually I just think about it in my head and try to reason with myself because I really don't like bringing attention to myself, not for sad reasons at least and I'm not a big fan of talking about my feelings. I'd much rather help someone with theirs. Within a few days (or rather nights) of thinking it's usually gone. I guess I hoped that by writing it out that it might help it go by quicker. The conflicting part for me is that when I'm not thinking about it (it usually comes in waves) I'm perfectly happy. I feel great, but then it will just hit me like a brick wall and I have this split in my brain where one side is fine and the other is...I guess depressed would be the word although I don't really like the connotations that go along with that word. And I'm pretty sure this is making me sound crazy and I really want to delete this but that the same time, I want someone else to know.